A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife.
He says, ‘Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water.’
She replied, ‘but honey I do not have a headache!’
He replied, ‘Thank God!’

Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for ‘lesbian’.
It has been changed to ‘vagitarian’.

Say what you like about paedophiles, but at least they slow down when they drive past schools.

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.
‘Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,’ admits the surgeon. ‘I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.’
‘What!’ gasps the patient. ‘You mean I’ll never experience another erection?’
‘Oh, you might,’ the surgeon reassures him. ‘Just not yours.’

An extremely ugly woman walks into a store with her two kids. The man at the counter asks, ‘Are they twins?’
The woman says, ‘No, he’s nine and she’s seven.’ Then she says, ‘Why? Do you think they look alike?’
‘No,’ he replies. ‘I just can’t believe you got laid twice!’

Statistics say 95% of men masturbate,
the other 5% don’t have any arms !

What sexual position guarantees the ugliest baby?
Go ask your mother

How do you get a nun Pregnant ?

Dress her up as an alter boy !!

Young boy walks into his parents bedroom and sees his mum bent over the dressing table being taken from behind by Dad, he says nothing and walks out again.

later on Dad can hear something odd in the room next door, he walks into the lounge to see Granny bent over the arm of the couch with his son taking her from behind.

‘WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!!!!’ screams dad

‘don’t like it so much when it’s your mum do you?’ was the reply

A polar bear was taking his son Christmas shopping. All of a sudden, the little bear looks up; ‘Am I a polar bear, Dad?’
  ‘You bet your life, Son,’ the big bear said proudly, ‘polar bear through and through, you are.’
  Thirty seconds later, the little bear chirps up again: ‘About me being a polar bear, Dad. Are you sure?’
  ‘Of course I’m sure. You’re a bit too young for a chat about the penguins and bees, but your Mum’s a polar bear and she gave birth to you. I know. I was there.’
  ‘Oh, right.’
  After walking a few yards in silence, the little bear stopped. ‘Dad, are you sure … I mean really, really sure I’m a polar bear?’
  ‘Listen, Son, as much as I love you, you’re starting to get on my nerves. Why on Earth d’you keep asking me if you’re a polar bear?’
  The little bear screwed up his furry face; ‘’Cause I’m f*ckin’ freezin’, Dad.’

A man was finishing off his nightcap when he heard a tapping sound on the kitchen door. Having unlocked the door, he saw a snail on the doorstep.
  ‘Any chance you can give me a pound?’ the snail asked, ‘so I can get myself a cuppa tea.’
  ‘No bloody chance … cheeky sod,’ the man mumbled as he shut the door.
  At around the same time the following night, he heard the same tapping noise.
  The snail spoke as soon as the door opened: ‘Fifty pence … surely you can spare fifty pence, eh?’
  ‘I’ve told you once … now if you come back again, I’ll …’ Realising the stupidity of talking to a snail, he just slammed the door.
  The man was actually in bed when he heard the familiar tapping. In his pyjamas, he yanked the door open, and in one foul swoop, scooped up the snail and kicked it over the fence and into next door’s garden.

Almost two weeks passed before he was troubled again. Opening the door, he recognised the shell on the doorstep. Before the man had time to speak, the snail shouted: ‘What d’you do that for?’

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking a beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A female neighbor happened to be walking by and was so outraged at this that she ran over and shouted at the man, ‘You should be hung!’
‘I am,’ he calmly replied. ‘Why do you think she cuts the grass?’

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach and for the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.  

A woman walks past and says, snickering: ‘If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.’

He raised an eyebrow and replied: ‘If you weren’t so ugly it would have lifted itself.’

My wife is a famous porn star.
But she would be pissed if she found out.

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane’s engines, he must make an emergency landing. 
The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. 
‘Make me feel like a woman again!’ she screamed. 
So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. 
‘Iron this.’

What’s the difference between the Iceland Volcano and Cheryl Cole?

One is still blowing Ash