Warning : VERY mature subject matter ahead. Reader discretion STRONGLY advised
Disclaimer : I am no expert in love and I mean no offence to anyone by any of the views or opinions expressed
Being a chef is tough. Keeping a healthy relationship is arguably tougher. Maintaining a healthy relationship as a chef is exponentially more difficult BUT it is not impossible. I was reading a thread on a facebook chef group called Chefs Arse where the poster asked how many of us have lost relationships due to the difficult and unfavourable demands of our trade. After reading through nearly 300 responses the verdict was clear. Chefs suck at love.
While there were a few proclaims for it being possible to have a healthy relationship as a chef most of them were accredited to finding a partner who has worked in the industry so they are more sympathetic to our job demands. While I agree with this plea wholeheartedly, I do not think our dating pool should be relegated to she-chefs(no offence) and waitresses. Fear not, I am here with golden advice to hopefully assist my fellow stoveslaves. We can make it. Bear in mind that I am clearly writing this from a male perspective but I see no reason why this should not be beneficial to all sexes equally.
Brokedinner’s 4 Tips for keeping your relationship alive
1, Spend your money! (wisely)
In my experience women tend to respond most primitively neglect and often associate appreciation with us spending money, and to a slightly lesser degree our time, on them. There is a clever way to consolidate both. I call it the 6(ish) week plan. Basically chef, save as much money as you can for about 6 weeks and do something VERY special with your partner. I say 6 weeks because it is not impossible to arrange a few consecutive days off to do something together. It can be as simple as a considerate gift or a weekend getaway. Be creative and resourceful but always remember...if you don’t do it someone else will and the last thing you want is for her to be fed up with you spending your money on booze or ‘other’. We all know how that ends up and the last thing you want is for her find herself on a lusty getaway with some Greek dude named Yan getting Polynesian squat fucked against the backdrop of a Tuscan sunset.
2. Communicate creatively
Chefs. Be honest. Are you a good communicator at work? Chances are you are not. If that is the case and you are overworked then it is likely that you are bringing your work practices home with you. That means that you may think the way you speak to your colleagues in the kitchen in shorthand and demand is completely acceptable at home. Newsflash, women love talking. It could be about the most irrelevant subject matter ranging from makeup palettes to gossip at their workplace. The key is that we need to not only listen but make it a priority to know how they feel about EVERYTHING. Getting home from work you have to turn off the chef in you and resist the urge to shower(or not) and yell ‘’How long on head?’’ because I highly doubt she will will respond “4 minutes chef!”, My suggestion? Let her know that you want to know what is going on with her in as much detail as possible and even be there when she is not. Try hiding little questionnaires around places she will frequently visit when you are not there. You can even go as far as to have a little checklist of topics that you discuss in your VERY spare time. It may seem inorganic at first but the thing is this, your partner will see that you are putting in EFFORT and that could prevent her from doing something unfavourable. Like leaving you.
3. Become a morning person
This is the one that requires the most sacrifice from both of you. While we complain about being tired and not having enough time with our loved ones I will tell you when we all have commontime. It is a rare place called 6 am. I get that this may be impractical to some of us for various reasons BUT there are numerous advantages to spending quality time in the AM. For one, you set the tone for the day. Imagine waking up at 6am and having a couple of hours with the person you are lucky to have. Do that 5 times a week and you have TEN extra hours of bonding time. You don't have to get out of bed because there are other things you can do with that don't involve walking. Please, be VERY imaginative here but if you lack in that department then something communal like breakfast or even going to the gym will suffice. She might complain about being tired and I am very sure you might be as will. That’s perfectly fine. If she is too tired at the end of the day then maybe that will the diminish the chances of her being restless and wind up on the receiving end of a deep doggystyle by a realtor from Leeds named Matt with the side of her face pressed up against a showroom wall somewhere while you are 10 checks deep on pass. Wake the fuck up dude. It’s better that way.
4. Punch in your weightclass
I don’t know how or why but for some reason when it comes to the blue-collar workers of the world chef’s seem to generally pull some REALLY fit girls. How??? I mean, we are never home and are hardly ever in the best shape. We curse, drink, smoke, and spit yet for some reason we manage to obtain some very desirable women. I will not even begin to try to calculate that outcome BUT I will say this. A wiseman once said to me when I was known as youngdinner that ‘’Hot girls come with HOT problems’’. I was too green to understand but as I got older I saw what he meant and the problem is not the woman, its the man. When a woman is very desirable she tends to have more options and more than often she is very aware and less likely to put up with something important like neglect. If you have somehow managed to hit the proverbial jackpot in that department then my advice is to pleaaaase pay close attention to the other points mentioned before this one and make sure that you pop home early from work every so often to keep her ‘’surprised’’. Should you get home early and slip on a quarter pint of dense and aromatic Senegalese spunk then don’t be downtrodden. It happens to the best of us.
Now obviously everything I said should be taken with a grain of salt because I am far from a relationship guru and some of my points may be a bit jaded. It could be because I have lost 2 relationships because of my profession and one of my exes had a whole other boyfriend that I was oblivious too because I was busy cooking. I absolutely DO NOT hold any resent towards her and neither should you if you were ever in a similar situation. As chefs we have opted into more than a profession, it as a very demanding and time consuming lifestyle. It is unrealistic to expect someone who has not been immersed into a similar role to be prepared to endure the inevitable long-term abandonment. While I still do not think that it only works with someone who works, or has worked, in the trade to understand there are ultimately 3 things that will really improve the desired outcome. Time, communication, and LOVE. Find a mature person and give them those THREE things above ALL ELSE and the rest is up to cupid. Happy loving chefs! Also, on some sneaky shit, check her phone. If she has anyone in her contacts named Matt or Yan then breakup with her. No explanation necessary. Just do it and thank me later :)
~brokedinner
