KnifeofBrian: Which type of chef are you?

In this month's Knife of Brian blog, we find out the different types of chefs you'll find in kitchen's around the UK and  possibly the world! (It's just a bit of fun, we'd like to know if you think there are any other types)

1. Lifer

This is the chef who probably has a Marco Pierre White tattoo on his/her forearm and regularly quotes from White Heat. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as I am myself, a regular user of a quote from the Lord and Master MPW!

2. Can’t cook, won’t cook: How the hell is this person a chef?

They must be a head chef’s best mate/lover or a family connection. We’ve all worked with a chef like this. Never seems to get found out. Am I the only one seeing this? The flip side to this, is being a chef, in a kitchen you feel is way out of your league and you are praying not to get busted. Keep your head down and pretend you know how to use a that Centrifuge machine thingy.... “I’m a chef, not a lab technician”.

3. Name Dropper: Loves to name drop.

Slides in to most conversations with how they worked with Gordon, Heston or Angela. Yes mate, you told me that already! It’s nice to be proud of your previous employers achievements, lets see what YOU can do! 

4. Pastry: The corner of the kitchen where the dark arts are performed.

Never make eye contact with an expert pastry chef. They will steal your soul and turn you into an exceptional Bavarois.

5. Young gun: All ideas and enthusiasm.

Still in their first months of full time employment. No relationship or family concerns. Says yes to all the extra shifts without fuss. The older, more experienced chefs take great pleasure in watching stitching coming undone in this newbie! Slowly becoming bitter and the realisation of “this is my life now” taking grip of their passion. This is the point where they must be nurtured and shown pacing strategies to avoid burn out. Too many are left to fend for themselves and leave the industry in the first few years. Sad but true.

6. Hipster: All too cliché now.

Sleeve tattoo, too much hair product, facial hair (men), vintage bandanna (women), expensive denim or leather apron. One, single, custom made knife, used for everything. Ironic crocs. Do I need to go on? Come on, tell me I’m wrong?  

7. Blogger: A real disdain for the industry with delusions of self worth.

Always looking for ideas for next post. Tries to be funny, but usually spirals into a depressing rant about hours, pay or lack of social life. When they have nothing real to say, they knock out a top 10 or top 16 style post….wait what?

8. Old school: “Get the fuck out of my kitchen with those tweezer things!” and “That boil in the bag nonsense can go fuck itself!”

These chefs struggle to embrace momentum in the industry. They believe new ideas and cooking methods are just fads and hipster bullcrap! Don’t ask them to write a vegan menu either. Mushroom risotto anyone?

More from KnifeOfBrian:

• Old enough to know better?
• It’s a Grey Area
• Are today's chefs more interested in their social media presence than cooking?

9. Book Club Chef: Owns and studies every cook book which comes out.

They even claim to own a copy of the El Bulli books which were like £200 each. With their library and knowledge, they are the greatest chef on the planet. In reality…not so much.

10. Jedi master: The chef who is brilliant (a solid 9/10) at everything.

Has a gnarled up little black book of recipes in their back pocket. Totally understated knife set, carried in a grease stained tote bag. The set of blades actually contains a few original carbon steel Sabatiers, with a whetstone and a copy of La repertoire. No one knows anything about this chef outside of the kitchen.

11. Sexecutive Chef: The chef who can’t wait to tell you the details of their most recent sexual exploits.

Often exaggerated, mostly fabricated. Just let them chat their shit as long as they are ready for service.

12. The Machine: Usually found in the veg prep room, ripping through a sack of shallots.

Will only cook from a recipe. Will follow the recipe to the letter. Creativity is for “others”.

13. Zombie Chef: Looks dead. Should be dead.

Needs a holiday ALL YEAR. This chef could be a subcategory to most of the others on this list.

14. Chatter box

“Did you watch Masterchef/Great British Menu/chefs Table? Did you see what *Insert chef* did on Instagram/Chefplus? Did you read Knife of Brian’s latest blog on The Staff Canteen? He’s brilliant, I love him!”

The chef who seems to have too much spare time on their hands and a major case of F.O.M.O. (Fear Of Missing Out). This is usually quite tolerable right up to the point where they start talking about X factor or Strictly Come Dancing.

15. Wannabe Influencer: Ambition is great. But calm down.

Buying Instagram followers and YouTube subscribers may get you social media fame. But it’s the food you actually put in peoples stomachs which will be remembered. There are only so many variations of Avocado on toast which I can look at.

16. Fatally attractive: Totally unrecognisable outside of the kitchen.

He or she moves under the radar a work. Just a colleague. You’ve never really looked at them in any other way apart from as “chef”. Then, one day , you see them in their “out-out” clothes and shit changes. No chef hat hair. No neutral body shaping whites. This god(dess) walked among us and we never knew. The term 'Scrubs Up Well' was definitely meant for this chef.

To be continued by you…..

Please take this post in the manner which it is meant. This is just for shits n giggles. Feel free to add your own “chef types”. Lets see if we can fill a kitchen. Is there anything you’s add to these? Which one is you? Slide into my DMs.

About Knife of Brian

Brian Powlett is head chef at the Greyhound Ipswich and Knife of Brian Cookery & Catering. He supports CALM (campaign against living miserably) - a male suicide charity and has recently finished his first pop-up event at the Suffolk Show.

If he wasn't a chef, he would be a gigolo.

For more blogs like this from Knife of Brian, visit his website www.knifeofbrian.co.uk