Brokedinner's Top 5 Tips to becoming an ELITE cowboy chef

Kareem Roberts

Kareem Roberts

Other 16th August 2017

Brokedinner's Top 5 Tips to becoming an ELITE cowboy chef

Many walks of life pass through the seasoned cauldron of culture that is the modern professional kitchen. The pacifist, the dictator, the dickhead, the peacekeeper, the druggie, the artists, the engineers, the ones that could have(and in many cases should have) done something else with their lives… I could harp on for ages about the different archetypical personalities we encounter on a daily basis. There is one, however, that is without a doubt the most polarizing. The Cowboy.As mysterious as they are capable. How is not something they rarely question.They just creatively get it done....and strangely enough....customers NEVER know the difference. Here are 5 things the cowboy chef not only understands,but fully embraces.

1. The 6 minute rule.
6 minutes. That is the average amount of time it takes a true cowboy chef to make damn near anything from scratch if he REALLY needs it. While a lot of things are done much faster, there are some things that take more time. Cowboy soup? 4 minutes. Cowboy well done steak? 1(!) to 3 minutes. Cowboy Bolognese? 7-8 minutes. Cowboy terrine? 9(yes…..9) And so on. There are levels to Cowboy skill and while a young grasshopper cowboy can make an omelette in well under 120 seconds and high ranking cowboy admiral gets you a 6 minute boiled egg in under 4.
2. Out of stock
Making stock is a lot of things. Sure it can be easy but to make a good one it takes patience, love, and time….and these are all things a cowboy is likely to not have. That’s why a cowboy always has matches, rope, and some bouillon cubes on hand. Cowboys don’t have time for stock…they just don’t. And why should they when they have other available alternatives for stock. Salt and water, soy sauce, ketchup, wine, and tomato juice are some readily available weapons in their armoury. If you are ever in the right place at the right time and all of the right celestial bodies align and you happen to be around a true cowboy making stock pay close attention to his form. The things you will see going into that stock could be sensationally numbing.
3. Soup has 2 recipes
Yep. And I am going to share them with you right here.
Recipe 1: Peel and cut vegetable(s) of choice and cover with water.Furiously boil for 8 minutes. Add bouillon. Blend.
Recipe 2: Don’t peel but cut vegetable(s) of choice. Furiously boil for 6 minutes. Add bouillon. Blend.
4. The cowboy law of substitution
Everything has a substitute under the right circumstances. That is the law in the upper levels of cowboy land. Understanding this law and being able to put it into fluent practice shows the difference between a padawan and a master. Its more than just a list of substitues….it means you have to be an alchemist. It means knowing that all white fish are the same if you take the skin off, turning bacon into pork belly, turning sorbet into ice cream, turning camembert into gorgonzola, 6 minute chilli from overcooked burgers and leftover breakfast beans. This list goes on for miles…and everyday it gets a little bit longer. Strangely enough…the customer never knows the difference or complains. Mind boggling stuff here.
5. Alley-ooping to Chef Mike
There is nothing wrong with having help, and asking for help is not a weakness. Cowboy chefs don’t need to ask for help….they already have it! If there is a microwave available a cowboy will turn that microwave into a member of staff. The things they can do in there is phenomenal, and this is the reason why cowboys never have long wait times on any meat cooked to a general temperature.
I am pretty sure their sorcery does not end there and if we revisit this list at a later time their practices will have surely evolved. I genuinely admire cowboys and have stolen a trick or two of my own from some of the ones I have worked with. They are nothing short of innovative pioneers if you really think about it. They just need better marketing and PR. Mark my words….one day there will be a SUPERTAR cowboy chef. The world and industry are ready. Be sure to check my page out on facebook for more culinary commentary!
~brokedinner

*dusts off his hat aims his six shooter for the stars*

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